Author Topic: DEJA VU  (Read 2673 times)

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Offline Roxy

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DEJA VU
« on: February 29, 2012, 11:42:08 PM »
I really know how to pick 'em...

It's a gift. My mother always thought so, & I've now finally concede that she might've been onto something. One thing is for certain - I seem to have a knack for finding men who are never satisfied. It doesn't matter if they're swimming in money, alcohol, drugs, women, or just plain luck. They will always jump at the opportunity to risk it all, in the most debasing (& ultimately meaningless) way.

I'm thinking that this will be a year of celibacy outside of work. Seriously, I just don't need the mindfuck anymore. I get all the sex anyone could wish for through my work. Pursuing anything with anyone in a romantic sense has proved to be futile, pointless & costly in more ways than one. I think I just need to accept that I can't be in a relationship with someone worth the effort; not while I'm doing this for an occupation, anyway.

The simple dilemma is this - punters always prove to be addicted to commercial sex, & 'straight'  guys simply can't handle my fucking other people.  It's all quite wrong, sexist & brutally unfair, but there you go...

So is life. :(

Below is a post written by somebody I was dating recently. I must hasten to add that he wasn't dating me at the time of writing; not that it mattered much, in the end. He would go on to repeat pretty much exactly the same behavior with me, almost 2 years to the day from writing this:

ę on: January 01, 2010, 08:59:37 AM Ľ

"Iíve spent a few months now thinking about my motivation for seeing working girls. I started nearly 20 years ago when I was 19 or 20, and in that time I have seen a lot of WLís, in a lot of different places. There have been some very good and many bad experiences.

Most of that time I was not in a serious relationship, so I guess it was pretty straightforward - it was a simple way to get sex, in some cases with beautiful girls who I never would have dreamed of approaching in ďnormalĒ life, especially for a guy as shy as I used to be.

I know there were some years where I spent a lot of money on punting Ė sometimes seeing WLís a couple of times a week. I always sought the ultimate ďgirlfriend experienceĒ. The motivation became a little more obscure when I did move into a serious long-term relationship, with a girl who was not physically attractive, but had other qualities that drew me to her.

So then I guess I just saw the occasional punt as fine, to make up for the something missing from my home life, but Iím still not sure of all the reasons why I continued. When I was a much younger and more innocent guy, I always imagined that when I was in a long-term relationship, I would be faithful, but that didnít happen. Maybe many guys are seeking the ďperfectĒ sex experience, and seeing WLís is part of the search.

I think there is certainly truth in the suggestion of sex and seeing WLís as a form of addiction, as discussed by Truffaut and others. Things became complicated for me early last year, when I met a girl in Sydney, and we fell head over heals for each other, and I started making regular trips just to see her. On my first trip here to see her, very early in the relationship, I also saw a couple of WLís.

I had been in the habit of seeing working girls whenever I traveled for a couple of years, and the habit seemed to stick, even when I was just starting to date a girl who was everything that I had ever dreamed of when it came to sex. Seriously, she is a truly wonderful girl, intelligent, bubbly, caring, and a nymphomaniac to boot. But that first trip I still went and had sex with a couple of working girls.

At the time I justified it because I didnít know where the relationship was going, and at one point didnít think we would see each other again, so I did what I had done in the past Ė went punting. There is not really a logical reason for it, it was habit, so I think I was a bit addicted. But the new relationship did work out for a while, and I made quite a few trips to Sydney and elsewhere without needing to see any WLís, until one really stressful day in September.

My girlfriend was not with me or contactable at the time, my one or two mates in Sydney were working, and a really stressful event came along, and I was Ďclimbing the wallsí; so I did what I had often done in the past as a form of stress relief Ė went and had sex with a WL.

It was a spur of the moment thing, and I guess it served itís purpose as a distraction, I enjoyed it at the time, but ultimately there was no real satisfaction, and looking back I should have resisted the urge to do it much more. I think the addiction reared itís head again when I was stressed.

I could have gone for a swim, or something else to help relieve the strain, but I fell back to the habit of sex, as I was alone and away from home. I still wonder why, as at the time I was in a great relationship with this girl, who if I was rating, I would give 10/10 for every espect of our sex life. Old habits die hard.

The culmination of the story is that a couple of months later my girlfriend found out about me seeing the WLs, ironically via my posts on this site. In combination with another major issue we faced at the same time, she ended our relationship.

So, effectively I lost what was the best relationship I am ever likely to have, as a result of punting, and one punt in particular. How bad do I feel now? VERY. Itís messed up my life to the point where Iím getting help from a psychologist to try and sort out whatís going on in my head. I hope Iíll get a better understanding of why I have continued punting as a result.

Looking back on all the punting Iíve done, I think most of it was really hollow and meaningless Ė chasing an impossible goal. Iíve had some really enjoyable times with lovely girls, but I know they were effectively being paid to like me. Certainly the last few times Iíve come away feeling empty about the whole thing Ė I might have enjoyed the sex in some cases, and written good reviews, but ultimately it was meaningless, and in some cases actually depressing.

There have only been a couple of working girls that I have really connected with over all those years, and a few that Iíve liked enough to become a regular. Iíve now come to a point in my life where I may just give up punting, I know I will for a long while at least, even though it is likely that Iíll be a single man for a long time again.

I donít think I would be able to have sex without just feeling depressed afterwards, and that wonít change for a while. I donít think seeing all those girls has done much to improve my life overall, other than making me a bit more experienced and better at sex. I donít think Iím any better off as a person as a result."

Feeling sorry for him yet? Well, without wanting to guild the lily or be accused of unfairly emasculating him with my written word - however tempting this may be - take a gander at the this next heart-wrenching installment. It was sent to me at 3.45am last Saturday morning, further cementing my opinion that most acts of contrition happen after midnight:

"Hey there,

I can't sleep, despite being dead tired. I've been restless and emotionalthis week, and I suspect that you have been too.

It was kind of good that we had that text chat tonight, but I wish we had been able to talk instead. Texting emotional stuff is such hard work, especially on my basic phone keypad. There were some things that I wanted to say in response to some of your texts, but I just didnít get the chance, so I will do it now. The good thing about our texting flurry is that I now understand how you feel much better - that hadn't happened earlier in the week.

I want to try avoid defending myself, my intent is to explain a little ofwhat my thoughts were, but also to just tell you some facts. I get the impression that you suspect that I have done more punting recently than I actually have, not that it really makes much difference, but I hate misunderstandings, so I will try to clear things up a little.

There were one or two review posts that I put up on PP saying that they had happened in December, when in fact they were from earlier in the year. I didn't want to be seen to be putting up all old stuff -I really don't know why. I don't know if that has made you think I was punting more frequently.

The truth is that I have seen only two girls since Anoushka ended ourrelationship - you, and Sue in Townsville. I have known Sue for a while, and we are friends as well as being WL/client. Once or twice we have caught up for a drink, or lunch out.

Before December, I hadn't seen Sue since the first half of the year, when I was single. We talk about the dramas in our respective lives - she is married with 3 kids, but is having trouble with her husband, and had started having feelings for another guy, a client (not me, btw). We are a bit like friends and fuck buddies - no real emotional attachment, but we enjoy each others company. I saw Sue twice in December,after Anoushka dumped me. It was comfort, and a friendly ear to cry into.

And then I met you in Hobart. What can I say - I certainly came away knowing that I really, really liked you, but I didn't know where it was heading, if it was potentially "serious" between us, or just a bit of a fling. I didn't see it as an exclusive thing at that stage, to be honest, I don't think thatwas wrong of me at the time, but maybe it was.

Anyway, I came back to Townsville and was faced with the difficult and emotional job of sorting out the house that Anoushka and I had lived in - 4 long and quite emotional days. I hated it, having to spend so much time and effort on the place that was full of so many mixed images for me - good times, bitter arguements, and ultimately failure.

So I decided to have 'vengeful sex', as you put it, and called Sue. It seems like a good idea atthe time - chase a few demons out of the house with sex. I think the wordcathartic crossed my mind at the time, but it wasn't really. I guess in my mind I was saying a big "Fuck you" to Anoushka, trying to convince myselfthat the time in that house hadn't meant anything. I don't think I will ever fully understand why I wanted to do it.

I saw Sue one more time, just after you and I had the brief discussion about seeing other people. I understand now that it was wrong to see her the second time this year, and in truth I did feel guilty about it afterwards, so I should have known better at the time. There is no excuse. So, if those occasions render me knee deep in paid sex as you suggested tonight, then I am guilty as charged.

There are a couple of things that you texted though that I really need to categorically refute. You suggested that it rendered you with no value because I was paying for sex elsewhere, and that it meant that I didn't want to be with you. Neither are true. I hope the following doesn't sound completely fucked up.

The simple truth is, I would have much preferred to be with you if I could have, but a distance of 2000km made that difficult to do anywhere near as much as I wanted to. If I had been able to afford it, I would have flown down to see you every weekend. I saved hard to make the trips that I did, as I had no savings at the start of the year as a result of a financially taxing time with the rental property as well as a mortgage to pay.

I donít know if I told you, but Mum paid for my flights to Hobart, because I couldnít afford it, and I drew money from the mortgage in order to pay for my second booking with you in Hobart, which I have never done before, but I was enchanted by you.

This is going to sound bad, but Sue hardly charges me anything - we were a bit like fuck buddies, and she did say on one of the occasions that she felt guilty charging me anything at all, but I always insisted on paying something - I guess because I didn't want to cross the line with her.

So maybe I am guilty of taking advantage of her, I can't tell right now. Are the clients that you charge less than your current rate exploiting you? Maybe. The total money that changed hands with Sue would barely have paid for a one-way flight to Canberra. That sounds lame I guess.

Maybe your ego will be helped a little by me saying this, with my hand on my heart - with you I have had the best sex and intimacy that I have ever enjoyed, and had I been able to get to you, that is where I would have been. Your prowess should not be threatened - it was financial constraints that stopped me being with you. Sue was simply easily available and very cheap. I was a cheapskate, which is pathetic really, isn't it?

At the moment, I have a maxed out credit card again, and about $90 in the bank to last me till next pay day. Seriously, I have spent almost all my spare cash this year on trips to see you, and it has been worth every cent and more. Look, if it will make you feel more valued, I will pay you for the times we had sex, whatever you want. Don't let my problem undermine your self-value, please. You are worth far more than that, for your sexual prowess, your intelligence, wit, your tenderness, and so much more.

I just needed to say some of that. Please donít think I am trying to defend myself Ė my main intent is to try and make you see that you are not any less attractive, sexy, and desirable to anyone because of my mistake. You are, and always will be, a sex goddess. Nothing that I ever do will change that. The goddess that I hurt :( Don't let me dent your pride, you are worth more.

And the puppy did deserve to be kicked, the only question is how hard and how far.

So now I am looking forward to being punt free, it will be good for me :) I shall see how it goes, but I think it will be okay".

*sigh*

I know, I know...

Little input is required from me to bury him. As far as I'm concerned, he has done most of the digging himself. Considering his history, I don't know why I hadn't considered the same thing happening to me. I can only surmise that my ego ran away with me again. I've flattered myself in the past with the idea that I could 'fix' a bird with a broken wing, & that's exactly how people like the departed T present themselves.

This has opened another can of worms for me to deal with in my self reflective path to existential nirvana. I suffer from a classic case of Florence Nightingale Syndrome, & I just can't seem to accept a guy of a romantic level unless he's got baggage to rival mine. I'm sure it's all some subconscious attempt to complete a human DIY project. I was always bringing home strays as a child, so I'm guessing this is all borne from that impulse.

So, given this tenacious (& proven) trait of mine, I have hereby decided to forego all romantic dalliances from my life. I'm fine on my own. I've raised 2 kids by myslf for the past 5yrs, so dependency is not the issue. I just have the rotten luck of meeting men who are addicted to commercial sex, & all the illusions that come with it. It's great when he is a client, but a disaster when he is supposed to be my 'other half''!

Wish me luck in my new challenge for 2012. I figure that with the help of my friends, lovers & my puppy crush/male bestie, I should be able to hold off becoming ensnared with another wanker anytime soon. I'm certainly not lining up to road test any potential Mr Wilde, so my clientele can all now breathe a collective sigh of relief...

Have no fear. I'm all yours again. ;-)
« Last Edit: March 01, 2012, 12:00:25 AM by Roxy »
Roxanne Wilde
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Offline altgourami

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Re: DEJA VU
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2012, 06:23:52 AM »
The simple dilemma is this - punters always prove to be addicted to commercial sex, & 'straight'  guys simply can't handle my fucking other people.  It's all quite wrong, sexist & brutally unfair, but there you go...

...seriously, no idea what the problem is?

Offline Roxy

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Re: DEJA VU
« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2012, 06:45:03 AM »
If a guy can't give up paying others for sex, then he can keep paying me & not get mine for free. I'm not a charity, & I hardly have to give it away. It's insulting to me, & more than a bit questionable to the very people who do the right thing & pay for what they receive.

Of course, that pretty much renders him useless for my personal life, so why bother changing his status in the first place?

Yes, I agree... What's the problem?!  :D
« Last Edit: March 01, 2012, 06:47:19 AM by Roxy »
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Offline PoorKenny

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Re: DEJA VU
« Reply #3 on: March 01, 2012, 10:45:01 AM »
One way or another we all pay for sex its just that with a working girl you know what you getting for the next hour and how much it will cost.....
Ah the joys of love and lust

Offline Roxy

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Re: DEJA VU
« Reply #4 on: March 01, 2012, 10:57:03 AM »
One way or another we all pay for sex its just that with a working girl you know what you getting for the next hour and how much it will cost.....

... & you don't have to worry about the inconvenience of a relationship. Yes, I'm aware of this thinking. However, what happens when you substitute it with commercial sex is a gnawing, blooming inability to actually cultivate a healthy, happy relationship with someone in the 'real world'. The longer & more hardcore the punting behaviour, the less likely you are to maintain a long-term, honest relationship with another person... Unless, of course, your partner has no self esteem (such as my charlatan's poor, fat ex) OR your partner is an industry worker & has high tolerance levels.

Personally, I'm tired of all this shit. I wanted to find love with a normal, sane & rational person who could accept responsibility for his words & actions. As far as I'm concerned, excuses are just that, & serve no purpose in my life. My family deserves a decent patriarch, & this bloke obviously wasn't it. I'm also tired of exposing my kids constantly to the 'boyfriend carousel'.

So, it's simply easier to give up trying to make a relationship work. I'm certainly not quitting my job anytime soon (too bad, would-be knights in shining armor!). I think I'll just be satisfied with having my ex young buck over for a cuddle whenever I feel lonely. I seriously undervalued young X when it comes to comfort sex... I should've been summoning him for this very purpose years ago!  :P
Roxanne Wilde
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Offline Roxy

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DEJA VU 2 - The Rewrite.
« Reply #5 on: March 01, 2012, 04:44:25 PM »
* Please note that this is the entire UNCENSORED version of this story, as pulled on the demand of the guilty on another forum.

I really know how to pick 'em...

It's a gift. My mother always thought so, & I've now finally concede that she might've been onto something. One thing is for certain - I seem to have a knack for finding men who are never satisfied. It doesn't matter if they're swimming in money, alcohol, drugs, women, or just plain luck. They will always jump at the opportunity to risk it all, in the most debasing (& ultimately meaningless) way.

I'm thinking that this will be a year of celibacy outside of work. Seriously, I just don't need the mindfuck anymore. I get all the sex anyone could wish for through my work. Pursuing anything with anyone in a romantic sense has proved to be futile, pointless & costly in more ways than one. I think I just need to accept that I can't be in a relationship with someone worth the effort; not while I'm doing this for an occupation, anyway.

The simple dilemma is this - punters always prove to be addicted to commercial sex, & 'straight'  guys simply can't handle my fucking other people.  It's all quite wrong, sexist & brutally unfair, but there you go...

So is life.

Below is a post written by somebody I was dating recently. I must hasten to add that he wasn't dating me at the time of writing; not that it mattered much, in the end. He would go on to repeat pretty much exactly the same behavior with me, almost 2 years to the day from writing this:

ę on: January 01, 2010, 08:59:37 AM Ľ

"Iíve spent a few months now thinking about my motivation for seeing working girls. I started nearly 20 years ago when I was 19 or 20, and in that time I have seen a lot of WLís, in a lot of different places. There have been some very good and many bad experiences.

Most of that time I was not in a serious relationship, so I guess it was pretty straightforward - it was a simple way to get sex, in some cases with beautiful girls who I never would have dreamed of approaching in ďnormalĒ life, especially for a guy as shy as I used to be.

I know there were some years where I spent a lot of money on punting Ė sometimes seeing WLís a couple of times a week. I always sought the ultimate ďgirlfriend experienceĒ. The motivation became a little more obscure when I did move into a serious long-term relationship, with a girl who was not physically attractive, but had other qualities that drew me to her.

So then I guess I just saw the occasional punt as fine, to make up for the something missing from my home life, but Iím still not sure of all the reasons why I continued. When I was a much younger and more innocent guy, I always imagined that when I was in a long-term relationship, I would be faithful, but that didnít happen. Maybe many guys are seeking the ďperfectĒ sex experience, and seeing WLís is part of the search.

I think there is certainly truth in the suggestion of sex and seeing WLís as a form of addiction, as discussed by Truffaut and others. Things became complicated for me early last year, when I met a girl in Sydney, and we fell head over heals for each other, and I started making regular trips just to see her. On my first trip here to see her, very early in the relationship, I also saw a couple of WLís.

I had been in the habit of seeing working girls whenever I traveled for a couple of years, and the habit seemed to stick, even when I was just starting to date a girl who was everything that I had ever dreamed of when it came to sex. Seriously, she is a truly wonderful girl, intelligent, bubbly, caring, and a nymphomaniac to boot. But that first trip I still went and had sex with a couple of working girls.

At the time I justified it because I didnít know where the relationship was going, and at one point didnít think we would see each other again, so I did what I had done in the past Ė went punting. There is not really a logical reason for it, it was habit, so I think I was a bit addicted. But the new relationship did work out for a while, and I made quite a few trips to Sydney and elsewhere without needing to see any WLís, until one really stressful day in September.

My girlfriend was not with me or contactable at the time, my one or two mates in Sydney were working, and a really stressful event came along, and I was Ďclimbing the wallsí; so I did what I had often done in the past as a form of stress relief Ė went and had sex with a WL.

It was a spur of the moment thing, and I guess it served itís purpose as a distraction, I enjoyed it at the time, but ultimately there was no real satisfaction, and looking back I should have resisted the urge to do it much more. I think the addiction reared itís head again when I was stressed.

I could have gone for a swim, or something else to help relieve the strain, but I fell back to the habit of sex, as I was alone and away from home. I still wonder why, as at the time I was in a great relationship with this girl, who if I was rating, I would give 10/10 for every espect of our sex life. Old habits die hard.

The culmination of the story is that a couple of months later my girlfriend found out about me seeing the WLs, ironically via my posts on this site. In combination with another major issue we faced at the same time, she ended our relationship.

So, effectively I lost what was the best relationship I am ever likely to have, as a result of punting, and one punt in particular. How bad do I feel now? VERY. Itís messed up my life to the point where Iím getting help from a psychologist to try and sort out whatís going on in my head. I hope Iíll get a better understanding of why I have continued punting as a result.

Looking back on all the punting Iíve done, I think most of it was really hollow and meaningless Ė chasing an impossible goal. Iíve had some really enjoyable times with lovely girls, but I know they were effectively being paid to like me. Certainly the last few times Iíve come away feeling empty about the whole thing Ė I might have enjoyed the sex in some cases, and written good reviews, but ultimately it was meaningless, and in some cases actually depressing.

There have only been a couple of working girls that I have really connected with over all those years, and a few that Iíve liked enough to become a regular. Iíve now come to a point in my life where I may just give up punting, I know I will for a long while at least, even though it is likely that Iíll be a single man for a long time again.

I donít think I would be able to have sex without just feeling depressed afterwards, and that wonít change for a while. I donít think seeing all those girls has done much to improve my life overall, other than making me a bit more experienced and better at sex. I donít think Iím any better off as a person as a result."

Feeling sorry for him yet? Well, without wanting to guild the lily or be accused of unfairly emasculating him with my written word - however tempting this may be - take a gander at the this next heart-wrenching installment. It was sent to me at 3.45am last Saturday morning, further cementing my opinion that most acts of contrition happen after midnight:

"Hey there,

I can't sleep, despite being dead tired. I've been restless and emotionalthis week, and I suspect that you have been too.

It was kind of good that we had that text chat tonight, but I wish we had been able to talk instead. Texting emotional stuff is such hard work, especially on my basic phone keypad. There were some things that I wanted to say in response to some of your texts, but I just didnít get the chance, so I will do it now. The good thing about our texting flurry is that I now understand how you feel much better - that hadn't happened earlier in the week.

I want to try avoid defending myself, my intent is to explain a little ofwhat my thoughts were, but also to just tell you some facts. I get the impression that you suspect that I have done more punting recently than I actually have, not that it really makes much difference, but I hate misunderstandings, so I will try to clear things up a little.

There were one or two review posts that I put up on PP saying that they had happened in December, when in fact they were from earlier in the year. I didn't want to be seen to be putting up all old stuff -I really don't know why. I don't know if that has made you think I was punting more frequently.

The truth is that I have seen only two girls since Anoushka ended ourrelationship - you, and Sue in Townsville. I have known Sue for a while, and we are friends as well as being WL/client. Once or twice we have caught up for a drink, or lunch out.

Before December, I hadn't seen Sue since the first half of the year, when I was single. We talk about the dramas in our respective lives - she is married with 3 kids, but is having trouble with her husband, and had started having feelings for another guy, a client (not me, btw). We are a bit like friends and fuck buddies - no real emotional attachment, but we enjoy each others company. I saw Sue twice in December,after Anoushka dumped me. It was comfort, and a friendly ear to cry into.

And then I met you in Hobart. What can I say - I certainly came away knowing that I really, really liked you, but I didn't know where it was heading, if it was potentially "serious" between us, or just a bit of a fling. I didn't see it as an exclusive thing at that stage, to be honest, I don't think thatwas wrong of me at the time, but maybe it was.

Anyway, I came back to Townsville and was faced with the difficult and emotional job of sorting out the house that Anoushka and I had lived in - 4 long and quite emotional days. I hated it, having to spend so much time and effort on the place that was full of so many mixed images for me - good times, bitter arguements, and ultimately failure.

So I decided to have 'vengeful sex', as you put it, and called Sue. It seems like a good idea atthe time - chase a few demons out of the house with sex. I think the wordcathartic crossed my mind at the time, but it wasn't really. I guess in my mind I was saying a big "Fuck you" to Anoushka, trying to convince myselfthat the time in that house hadn't meant anything. I don't think I will ever fully understand why I wanted to do it.

I saw Sue one more time, just after you and I had the brief discussion about seeing other people. I understand now that it was wrong to see her the second time this year, and in truth I did feel guilty about it afterwards, so I should have known better at the time. There is no excuse. So, if those occasions render me knee deep in paid sex as you suggested tonight, then I am guilty as charged.

There are a couple of things that you texted though that I really need to categorically refute. You suggested that it rendered you with no value because I was paying for sex elsewhere, and that it meant that I didn't want to be with you. Neither are true. I hope the following doesn't sound completely fucked up.

The simple truth is, I would have much preferred to be with you if I could have, but a distance of 2000km made that difficult to do anywhere near as much as I wanted to. If I had been able to afford it, I would have flown down to see you every weekend. I saved hard to make the trips that I did, as I had no savings at the start of the year as a result of a financially taxing time with the rental property as well as a mortgage to pay.

I donít know if I told you, but Mum paid for my flights to Hobart, because I couldnít afford it, and I drew money from the mortgage in order to pay for my second booking with you in Hobart, which I have never done before, but I was enchanted by you.

This is going to sound bad, but Sue hardly charges me anything - we were a bit like fuck buddies, and she did say on one of the occasions that she felt guilty charging me anything at all, but I always insisted on paying something - I guess because I didn't want to cross the line with her.

So maybe I am guilty of taking advantage of her, I can't tell right now. Are the clients that you charge less than your current rate exploiting you? Maybe. The total money that changed hands with Sue would barely have paid for a one-way flight to Canberra. That sounds lame I guess.

Maybe your ego will be helped a little by me saying this, with my hand on my heart - with you I have had the best sex and intimacy that I have ever enjoyed, and had I been able to get to you, that is where I would have been. Your prowess should not be threatened - it was financial constraints that stopped me being with you. Sue was simply easily available and very cheap. I was a cheapskate, which is pathetic really, isn't it?

At the moment, I have a maxed out credit card again, and about $90 in the bank to last me till next pay day. Seriously, I have spent almost all my spare cash this year on trips to see you, and it has been worth every cent and more. Look, if it will make you feel more valued, I will pay you for the times we had sex, whatever you want. Don't let my problem undermine your self-value, please. You are worth far more than that, for your sexual prowess, your intelligence, wit, your tenderness, and so much more.

I just needed to say some of that. Please donít think I am trying to defend myself Ė my main intent is to try and make you see that you are not any less attractive, sexy, and desirable to anyone because of my mistake. You are, and always will be, a sex goddess. Nothing that I ever do will change that. The goddess that I hurt  Don't let me dent your pride, you are worth more.

And the puppy did deserve to be kicked, the only question is how hard and how far.

So now I am looking forward to being punt free, it will be good for me  I shall see how it goes, but I think it will be okay".

*sigh*

I know, I know...

Little input is required from me to bury him. As far as I'm concerned, he has done most of the digging himself. Considering his history, I don't know why I hadn't considered the same thing happening to me. I can only surmise that my ego ran away with me again. I've flattered myself in the past with the idea that I could 'fix' a bird with a broken wing, & that's exactly how people like the departed T present themselves.

This has opened another can of worms for me to deal with in my self reflective path to existential nirvana. I suffer from a classic case of Florence Nightingale Syndrome, & I just can't seem to accept a guy of a romantic level unless he's got baggage to rival mine. I'm sure it's all some subconscious attempt to complete a human DIY project. I was always bringing home strays as a child, so I'm guessing this is all borne from that impulse.

If a guy can't give up paying others for sex, then he can keep paying me & not get mine for free. I'm not a charity, & I hardly have to give it away. It's insulting to me, & more than a bit questionable to the very people who do the right thing & pay for what they receive.

This sad scenario has also alerted me yet again to the dangers of punting addiction. This is what happens when you substitute a relationship (either honestly or furtively) with commercial sex in a compulsive way. A spoonful of sugar means nothing to guys like this. They want the whole goddamn sugar bowl, everyday. 

'Getting away with it' eventually means getting away with nothing to guys who have little to no impulse control.  All it serves to heighten is an inability to cultivate a healthy, happy relationship with someone in the 'real world'. The longer & more hardcore the punting behaviour, the less likely you are to maintain a long-term, honest relationship with another person... Unless, of course, your partner has no self esteem (such as my charlatan's poor, fat ex) OR your partner is an industry worker & has high tolerance levels.

Personally, I'm tired of all this shit. I wanted to find love with a normal, sane & rational person who could accept responsibility for his words & actions. As far as I'm concerned, excuses are just that, & serve no purpose in my life. My family deserves a decent patriarch, & this bloke obviously wasn't it. I'm also tired of exposing my kids constantly to the 'boyfriend carousel'.

So, given this tenacious (& proven) trait of mine, I have hereby decided to forego all romantic dalliances from my life. I'm fine on my own. I've raised 2 kids by myself for the past 5yrs, so dependency is not the issue. I just have the rotten luck of meeting men who are addicted to commercial sex, & all the illusions that come with it. It's great when he is a client, but a disaster when he is supposed to be my 'other half''!

Wish me luck in my new challenge for 2012. I figure that with the help of my friends, lovers & my puppy crush/male bestie, I should be able to hold off becoming ensnared with another wanker anytime soon. I'm certainly not lining up to road test any potential Mr Wilde, so my clientele can all now breathe a collective sigh of relief...

Have no fear. I'm all yours again. ;)
 
Roxanne Wilde
*Making the World a Happier Place*

Offline Roxy

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Re: DEJA VU
« Reply #6 on: March 01, 2012, 05:07:06 PM »
Well, I know from experience
That if you have to ask for something more than once or twice,
It wasn't yours in the first place.
And that's hard to accept when you love someone,
And you're led to believe in their moment of need
That they want what you want... but they don't.

Next time you want pussy,
Just look in the mirror, baby.  :-*

"Waiting", MADONNA
Roxanne Wilde
*Making the World a Happier Place*

Offline Blueballz

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Re: DEJA VU
« Reply #7 on: March 01, 2012, 07:55:40 PM »

This thread will remain locked.

If anyone has any issues concerning this thread they can feel free to contact me via pm.

Blueballz
« Last Edit: March 01, 2012, 08:11:55 PM by Blueballz »